February 20, 2005
It's been an ideal road trip - an easy drive from Atlanta to Nashville with good friends. I asked Scott if he thought I should still go, but he told me that he would work on trying to find Tabitha. He told me to try to enjoy myself and forget everything else for a while. When I first made plans, months ago, Scott had already opted to stay home instead of coming with us. It's fortunate that he's been able to do the few things one can do, looking for a lost cat, while I've been away.
Still here for a while, staying with friends of friends. It's been really nice, and although I still feel a bit guilty for doing it, I have made the effort to be present and enjoy the moment. I know traveling to see a musician I love is exactly the kind of thing Mike would have done, and has done.
I'm not one for singing in front of other people. My voice is passable, I guess, for singing alone in the car or in the shower. Driving up, though, we put in a copy of Woodface and I found myself singing along with my friends, even though sometimes I still wanted to cry. It's been music, and the company of my own good friends, and talking to new friends and hearing their stories about Mike that have been most comforting. Religion hasn't done much for me, although I wish it could.
I find myself surprised by the extent of people's capacity to reach out, to show compassion because of how much we all love Mike. It's because of our regard for the man that we're all trying to look after each other. It's quite humbling. I have to allow myself to be open, to be willing to accept from, and to give, the same to others, even though it's been ingrained in me for too long that I am too flawed, too undeserving, too much of a fuckup to be worth such kindness and generosity. I will never heal, I will never be happy if I don't learn to forgive myself, if I don't accept the opportunity to change. To become the kind of person I admire, someone who is worthy of other people. I wish this lesson didn't come at the cost of Mike's passing, but I didn't have any choice in the matter. But I do have the power to make other choices, and I have abdicated that for too long.