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February 02, 2005

Here and Now

I was out shopping for some work clothes. I'd found a few things and waited for the shopgirl to ring up my purchases. She turned away to process my debit card.

At that moment, the opening bars of a George Michael song began to play on the in-house stereo. It was something I hadn't heard in a long time, something I don't go out of my way to listen to, unless I'm in a dark place.

But something I just can't explain
Something in me needs this pain
My eyes suddenly welled with tears, the jolt of old memories resurfacing. I blinked several times in succession, and in the split second the cashier had turned away and turned back, I managed a semblance of composure. I signed the slip, thanked her brightly, and dashed out the door.

Lately I've been thinking about the past, about ghosts. About being a ghost to others, about the ghosts of the person I used to be. It's important to know my past, to understand how I got to this point, to understand the person I am today. But I am not the same person now that I was ten years ago. I am no longer the little girl who yearned for escape, for a life free from the family's iron thumb. I don't have to think and act as if I were still my younger self. I don't have to stay ingrained in old patterns and ways of thinking that hold me back.

Now everybody's talking about this new decade
Like you say the magic numbers
Then just say goodbye to
The stupid mistakes you made
Oh my memory serves me far too well
I have made mistakes. I carry around a lot of guilt, a lot of regret. Then again, I shoulder more burden than I should. I feel anguish over things that don't matter. And for the things that do matter, there are limits to how long one can beat herself up. There's no room to learn from mistakes if the time is wholly spent on self-flagellation. Yes, there should be introspection, self-reflection. But no amount of hair-rending and teeth-gnashing can change the past. As a friend of mine once put it, "It's what you do AFTER you fuck up that allows you to prove your character."
The years will come and go
Some of us will change our lives
Some of us still have nothing to show
Nothing baby
But memories
I don't envision myself as a butterfly exactly, but I seek transformation, to grow and change for the better. Either I break out of the chrysalis, or it becomes my tomb.

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"Waiting For that Day" - George Michael

So every day I see you in some other face
They crack a smile, talk a while
Try to take your place
My memory serves me far too well

I just sit here on this mountain thinking to myself
You're a fool boy
Why don't you go down
Find somebody
Find somebody else
My memory serves me far too well

It's not as though we just broke up
It's not as though it was yesterday
But something I just can't explain
Something in me needs this pain
I know I'll never see your face again

C'mon now
I've got to be strong now

Now everybody's talking about this new decade
Like you say the magic numbers
Then just say goodbye to
The stupid mistakes you made
Oh my memory serves me far too well

Don't you know that
The years will come and go
Some of us will change our lives
Some of us still have nothing to show
Nothing baby
But memories

And if these wounds
They are self-inflicted
I don't really know
How my poor heart could have protected me
But if I have to carry this pain
If you will not share the blame
I deserve to see your face again

C'mon now
You don't have to be so strong now
Come back

Come back to me darling
I will make it worth your while
Come on back to your baby
I miss your kiss
I miss your smile
Seems to me the peace I search to find
Ain't going to be mine until you say you will
Don't you keep me waiting for that day
I know, I know, I know
You hear these words that I say

You can't always get what you want...

Yours, &c., LC | 01:35 PM | Music , Slice o' Life | TrackBack (0)

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