December 05, 2004
Quicker Than I Thought
If you're reading this, welcome! Hopefully the moving of the Armoire was completely uneventful for you.
I just transferred my domain name to the new host, literally minutes ago. I can't explain how it works, but it appears that I did the things I was supposed to do, so ladycrumpet.com now points to the new host server. There will be some back-end stuff to do to reflect the change, but I won't go into the boring details. I will also have to re-import some entries of the last few days to reflect more recent versions which contain comments and other edits. [Update: DONE.]
However, I'd like to apologize for some of what I wrote in yesterday's post. In my own mind, I knew that I was being over the top in bitching and moaning about moving my site. What I didn't realize, until I got some of your comments, was that I had gone too far in trying to be flip and funny for the sake of an otherwise technical, dull post. In pretending to be a jerk, I became one instead.
I feel horrible - this is exactly the kind of thing that gets me into trouble with people. I can't just say what's on my mind, I have to try and be funny about it. Usually I'm brutal at my own expense, which is ok. But then I apply that same level of sarcasm at others, and it bombs, because being on the receiving end when you don't know where I'm coming from isn't fun. Moreover, even knowing I meant to be funny doesn't always mean that what I said or wrote still wasn't mean or hurtful to say, especially at someone else's expense. Maybe I'm even fooling myself, telling myself I'm being funny, but using that as an excuse to say things I would never say with a straight face - to someone's face. Really, I should know better, especially here, of all places!
I immediately apologized to my friend, mrw, for saying these things. He said I only had had to ask for his help, instead of blowing a misunderstanding out of proportion. Yeah, I was frustrated at having to move the site, at having to do the work of installing MT. Ultimately the experience was worth the aggravation because now I know more about the innards and can do more to maintain the site myself. I should know how to do these things, instead of imposing on others. But my being frustrated and obsessed wasn't an excuse for taking it out on my friend. (Yes, fortunately, he still thinks I'm worth his time.)
This is a lot of self-flagellation for what is ultimately a molehill situation. But it's become increasingly clear that I could save myself a lot of grief if I could learn to speak more openly with others, instead of always being ready to make a quip, regardless of the situation. Instead of connecting, I'm using humor as a wall between myself and others. In trying to be likable, by being entertaining (at attempting to be, at any rate), I end up alienating people. Why do I have to perform? Why can't I just be a nice person? Why can't I just be myself?