July 10, 2003
To My Fellow Commuters on the Lawn GuyLand Rail Road
1. Please don't clip your nails on the train. Just because we can't see you doesn't mean we can't hear you. We still know exactly what you're doing.
2. Please learn to modulate your voice when talking to your friends either in person or on your cellphone. No one wants to hear about your digestive tract, your business deals, your legal woes, your relationship troubles, etc. Perhaps your friends don't want to hear this, either.
3. When it is rush hour and the train is teeming with people, please don't hog the seats with your bags or your person. Don't spread across several rows when you could all sit cozily together. If you're a guy, please don't sprawl and invade the scant arm and leg space of the person next to you, just because she happens to be smaller than you.
4. If you're going to be stinking drunk, please be a happy or silly drunk. Or better yet, a sleepy drunk. Please don't bellow about how your dentist fucked up your wisdom teeth and you're gonna fuckin' sue, swilling painkillers and Jack Daniel's all the while. And please don't pick fights with the poor parents who are just taking their kids home from seeing the fireworks and would prefer that you not cuss up a storm in front of their family.
5. Yes, New York City is a very cool, exciting place. But just because you've taken your fat-ass child to see Mamma Mia doesn't mean she should be allowed to mangle "Dancing Queen" at the top of her lungs on the late-night train. Really, it's not adorable. Please get little Britney some singing lessons, then let her sing in a soundproof room. While you're at it, big Britney could use some lessons too.
We are stuck together for the duration of our ride, this is true. But the train is like the elevator - let us give each other some privacy, some space. Let us be decent and kind to one another. Or at least make it possible to ignore one another in peace and quiet.